My journey as I encounter Jesus in my Life with Caryl Bagay

I was once trapped in the darkness. You wanna know how I handle myself while being in that place? Well, first I'll tell you about what I've been through those days. I usually blamed myself for everything, although I know it wasn't even my fault but still I blamed myself for it. For not being able to do it better, for not being able to do things right. I looked like a fool trying my best to make other people like me. To make a good impression on them. To make myself look good in the eyes of people. Things were hard for me, I felt suffocated like I was drowning feeling helpless. I find everything that I do hard, I have no confidence in myself. I look down at myself like I'm useless. Asking why am I here and am I even important? Because just by looking at my situation it looks like there's a big wall stopping me from going outside. No light can be seen only darkness. Only the things that I had done wrong. All I could see in me was disappointments. It was all negative the fact that even those people who I totally called "friends" were actually been talking behind my back. Backstabbing me with those hurtful words. Without even thinking it through I spend my nights cutting myself my wrist specifically. Thinking it relieved stress when actually it wasn't even helping yet I still continue doing it. Having big burdens all over the place. Crying all out but then guess what I got tired. It felt like my shoulders were getting dragged down that cant be lifted up. Blaming myself every day, why I even existed in the world. 

But everything changed the day my grandpa invited me to come with them that which I declined at first because I don't feel like it. Because back then I just want to be alone letting the darkness eat me alive. But my grandpa insisted which I gave in. Arriving in the place, I saw a group of youth singing and dancing. Although I've seen it before when I was a kid but that day it was different. It may sound dramatic but it's like there this light showing all over the place. I was there just listening to them while standing beside my grandparents. Wellbeing a shy person I just stand there and clap like a robot. After that, a few of them approach me and shake my hand which I gradually take. I mean it would be rude if I didn't right? So I shake their hands and put a small smile on my face although they can't see it really cause I'm wearing a mask but still I nod letting them know that I'm saying hello if that even makes sense. So I once again attended one of their gatherings with my grandparents because they told me to come with them. Until a classmate of mine that was also with them invited me to their church. So when I was in their church the pastor called those who are new to the church which at first I declined but my classmate insisted and so are those girls that introduced themselves to me. So I walked into the front, we were told to lift our hands and I did and I close my eyes because the pastor said so. I got surprised because when he holds me by the head and speak the words that came into his mouth were actually the things that I've been holding in myself the things that kept me on going forward the things that belong to the darkness. I don't know why but I cried after that experience I asked my classmate out of curiosity. "What was that and why did I cry?" and she said "You felt the presence of the Lord" Just by those words, I felt goosebumps all over my body. It was actually weird yet a good feeling at the same time cause after what happened I feel at ease. I feel like I'm being protected and secured. It's like I was pulled out from the darkness to the light. And that light was God, He is my light. 

Now, I'm very happy and blessed to know that I've been reconciled to the father, my heavenly father. That I no longer belong to the darkness but to the light. I am now that girl who reads the bible which I used to not do back in the old days. I am now that girl who put a smile on her face which she wasn't used to doing in the past. I am now that girl who praised and worshipped the Lord which I never was able to do in the past. I am now aware of who truly I am. I am now aware of my calling and I know now that I have a purpose in this world and that is to share the gospel with other people. I am now a light of this world and I won't hide it instead I will let it shine and let it be seen by people.

Remember Brethren you are not alone, God is with you. The world may insult you but don't let it affect you instead be still and rest in the presence of the LORD. 

God loves you. He will never leave you nor forsake you.